Coming to an end...

Here we are, on the first day of the last month. What a year it has been. I have gone through no ups, and all downs...just kidding. There have been some ups in the past year, but they have been few and far between. This year has, to put it lightly, sucked donkey dick! Anyways, I'm just glad to be ending this year, and beginning 2012. If the predictions are accurate, and the world comes to an end...fuck it. If next year is anything like this year has been, well, wake me up when it's over.

R

Saying goodbye...

Saying goodbye is never easy, but I just feel like saying one last goodbye to everyone. If this truly is goodbye, then I will see you on the other side. I just don't see the point in continuing, and don't know how cope with everything beyond everything I have tried. This feels like the end...

Goodbye.

Trying to find the silver lining...

So here I sit, 53 days into the new year, and I can't help but to reflect on the last year, and wonder about a lot of things. About a month ago I began a suicide attempt that was thwarted by my wife. Since that day I have been placed back on a higher dosage of my previous anti-depressant. I had taken myself off of my medication back in 2008, when I transferred out to San Diego. Well, it finally caught up with me. Between the extreme stress that was caused by work, there was also the normal stresses of family life (just the normal hustle and bustle). The problem was that I was not getting a break to release any stress, at any time. This was nobody's fault but my own. My wife would insist for me to go out, play video games, and go to bed when I needed to. My anxiety would prevent any of this, overwhelming me with a sense of guilt if I did. Long story short, shortly after my suicide attempt, my wife approached me revealing that she no longer felt safe for herself and for her children. Shortly after breaking that wonderful news to me, she told me she wanted a divorce, and there was nothing I could do to change her mind. I tried providing solutions to this, suggesting trial separation, marriage counseling, and my own counseling for my sickness, and she wanted no part of this. I later ended up admitting myself for inpatient care. There, it was confirmed that I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. A few days later, I was released, and have been coping and dealing with my depression and anxiety. At this point, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. I am unable to sleep consistently, usually getting about 2 hours of sleep a night, and eating inconsistently as well, usually about 1 meal a day. Well, that summarizes the first 53 days of this year...